90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
