Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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