So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
nutella sex= disaster
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
