I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
