then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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