and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my being single is dangerous.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
