What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
