I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize