did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
