she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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