hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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