I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Acid is not a monday night drug
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
