I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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