he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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