im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
