I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
