I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize