I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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