I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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