I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
