I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's shark week go big or go home
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
