My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
