Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
