This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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