I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
