I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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