I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize