Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
