That's intense
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Two words: blizzard sex
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize