Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
