I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
These tits shall not be calmed
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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