peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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