a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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