I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
