do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
