Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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