Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The cops high fived after they tackled you
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
