Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
