How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
