Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize