Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
