I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
