I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
