I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I wear drunk well.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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