the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
