You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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