I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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