So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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