I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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