So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
