Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
BRING THE BAGELS
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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