I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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