Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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