saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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