i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
