I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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