I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
