Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Sext me about skeletons
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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