Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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