don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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