I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
