if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
