Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
