Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
