I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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