I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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