I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
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